Look for the Dimes

A friend of mine lost someone to suicide two weeks ago. After reading her blog, and how she was struggling with his death, I wrote this as a response.

I think that mankind's fall from grace was when we began to think that we are seperate from each other. When we devloped the ego. That's the big curse we carry. The belief that we are seperate from the world around us, that we are seperate from one another. We are not you know. We are made of the same stuff the universe is made of. Everything that is here, the other living creatures, the trees, even the rocks and dirt under are feet are our brothers and sisters. Everything is part of the same creation. Yes, your friend as you knew him, not longer inhabits this world in the form you knew. You make think he is silent, he isn't.

Your friend has returned to his original state. When someones leaves us, we wonder where they have gone, where they are. We never ask where they were before they were here. Where was I before "here?" Where we were and were we are going is the same place.

Look for the signs that he is talking to you from that place. Don't listen for a voice, you won't hear it. Look, listen, become aware of everything around you. That is how you will find him.

A friend of mine believes that her departed loved ones leave dimes for her to find. How often do you find a dime? Probably not often. Pennies we find everywhere, dimes are rarer. If you believe that your friend can leave little signs for you, you will find them. He will find new ways to reach out and talk to you.

Look for the dimes.

Life, Death. and Green People in Pittsburgh

About two weeks ago, I spent the few days in Pittsburgh, at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center with my parents. My mom was scheduled for open heart surgery on Friday, May 19th, morning. They decided not to operate on my her. Her aortic valve did not look bad enough to risk open heart surgery. Good news.

My dad and I stayed at a Family House, which I thought was mainly for family members of people having surgery. It is, but there were a lot of people here waiting for organ transplants. It struck me that for all people's complaints about daily life, they sure as hell don't want to leave this life on moment before they absolutely have too. They want to stay here, stay alive, at all costs.

The shuttle bus that goes from the various Family Houses, to the hospitals and back, usually has more than a few people going to, or coming back from dialysis. Yesterday someone was moaning and had a fever of 103 degrees. They called 911 for an ambulance to take him back to the hospital. He refused. It just goes to show you that being near death doesn't make you any smarter.

Thursday, I was looking out the window, as the shuttle bus was picking up some people at one of the hospitals, and one woman looked green. I thought it was the tint of the windows. Then she got on the bus. It wasn't the windows. She literally had a green color to her skin. Jesus. I assume she needs a new kidney, very very soon. I thought kidney disease gave someone a yellow, jaundiced color. Maybe this is the last stage? I don't know.

A little later in the day, on my way back from the hospital, I sat next to a young woman who was donating part of her liver to her friend. This is not an easy thing to do. Her recovery time will be months.

Friday, in the hospital cafeteria, I saw another green person. A young man, on oxygen, having breakfast with his mom.

As I sit here typing, I am thinking how this little loop in Pittsburgh that the shuttle bus runs, has stops of hope, fear, joy, despair, life, death and hell. A lot of hell. But no one wants to leave hell, just yet.

I am not sure what all of this means; maybe it is just to show me some of these fragile creatures, my brothers and sisters of the human race. We are all connected, you know. More than we realize. It has caused me to rethink my refusal to not sign an organ donor card. I had been told that many times organs don't wind up inside someone. They just wind up in some lab, being cut up for educational purposes, or in the trash. Maybe it shouldn't matter where they wind up when were done with them. If we are all part of the One, I am just borrowing the atoms that make them up for a little while anyway. Should I recycle them when I am done?

God keeps showing up in the oddest disguises. This week, it was desperately ill people with green skin in Pittsburgh. God was also a one legged beggar outside a store front on the street.

It is funny how people can spend their whole lives in search of God, all the while tripping over him and her.

The Twenty Cent Miracle

Something interesting happened on March 4, 2005 . I call it "The Twenty Cent Miracle."

I forgot to go to the bank today, so I just had whatever cash was in my wallet and pockets. I went to get a cup of Starbucks after lunch (they sell it in the small shop where I work). I thought I had a couple of buck in my pocket, but when I went to pay, I just had pocket change. Ooops. Then I remembered that Amy, my friend/coworker gave me a "Chinese New Years" gift. It was one dollar in a red envelope and I had it in my back pocket. So, I counted out $1.85 for the cup of Starbucks decaf. Walking back to my office, I had the urge for some chocolate to go with my coffee. Someone is selling candy bars at work for $1.00 to support something at their kids high school. I got back to my office and counted my remaining change. I had 80 cents and some pennies. "Shit," I'm thinking, "Well, I could put an IOU in the envelope for $1.00, or I could just put in the 80 cents today and put twenty in on Monday, or I could borrow 20 cents from a coworker or..... I decided to put the 80 cents in the envelope and take a candy bar, figuring to put the other twenty in on Monday. I went to the little pantry we have on my floor, where the candy bar were being sold on the "honor" system, and put the 80 cents in the envelope. That didn't feel right. It felt like I would be stealing. Then I thought, "Hey, people are always dropping money on the floor. Maybe there is some under the candy machine....." I got down on my hands and knees and looked under the candy machine. There they were, two dimes within easy reach. I picked them up and thought, "I just manifested twenty cents!" Then dropped them in the envelope and took my candy bar. Paid for in full.

Coincidence or Intent? It felt like Intent.

Easter 2006

I was a down this Easter, because I was thinking about the possibility that the Passion of the Christ did not actually happen. Now why would I think that? As it turns out, Jesus was not the first to be born on December 25th, by a virgin, in front of three wise men, grew up to be a prophet, was betrayed, nailed to a tree, died and rose three days later. In a nut shell, the story of Christ predates Christ.

Disturbing.

Now many people will argue that any evidence supporting what I just outlined was manufactured and planted by others to discredit Christianity. However, we do use pagan holidays dates to celebrate Christian holidays. Christmas and Easter, to name two biggies.

In fact, death and rebirth are common themes in the great mythology of man. Read some books by Joseph Campbell, if you dont trust me.

Then I began to think that the real meaning of Easter has been lost over the centuries; how the Passion of The Christ is an allegory for us. In our lives we go through many deaths and rebirths. We die to our old self, and are reborn.

Lately, my life has been hitting some rough spots. Those who once cheered me, are no longer there. Others are screaming for my head. (People like to see people fall. It makes them easier to kick.) The question is, when do you let the old self die? When do you stop fighting? When to you just hand all of it over and say, "It is finished." I dont know. Its hard to let go, when you dont know what is next.

When the Man-God dies, he knows he will rise again.

The rest of us, we are not so sure.

Failing a Big Test

Back in the mid 1990's, I had to visit a Ford Motor Company plant in Jaurez, Mexico. It was short trip, to investigate some problems with a product that was in charge of for the Allen-Bradley Company. 

Coming back from the plant, the traffic crossing the USA/Mexico border was a crawl. It was very hot as well. Sweltering, would be the word. As we were slowly rolling, I noticed a woman and young girl, dressed in black clothing very ornately decorated with embroidery. 

I asked the man driving the car, who was also an employee of the company, and from Mexico, if the woman and child were dressed in traditional Mexican clothing. He said, "Oh no. Those are Indians. They live up in the mountains, but there is a drought, and they come down here to beg for money." Upon hearing that, I reached for my wallet and started getting out of the car. I thought that twenty bucks to me, was nothing. Twenty bucks to them would mean food and water. The man driving the car I was in, started shouting at me to get back in, "GET BACK IN THE CAR!!" Startled, I got back in. He said, "If you give them money, they will never learn to take care of themselves!" 

As the car, with me sitting stupidly in it, rolled through customs, I realized I had failed a big test. I let someone else tell me what was the right thing to do. I was ashamed of myself. I rarely think of biblical verses, but something Christ said popped into my head, "'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.....I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me." I screwed up, big. What was $20 to me? Why would I let someone else tell me what was right and wrong? I have seen God a lot since them. Rarely it is when I see a thing of beauty. That's too easy, too obvious. It doesn't take a lot to see beauty in beauty. Can you see god in the homeless man you just passed on the street? Do you see God in the street walker, the crack whore? Do you see God in a death? What if everyone and everything else is God? What if everyone looking back at us, are looking at us through the eyes of God? What if, what if, what if? Is it so far fetched? Do you really think Jesus would be on TV in a suit and tie, with perfect hair and teeth, stumping for cash? Or do you think he would be hiding were you would have to look to find him? These are the questions I ask myself. Maybe you should ask yourself them too.